I haven’t written on here for ages, but this was the only place I felt I could come to. I have so many things flying around in my head that it’s making me heart want to implode. It’s pounding, it’s hurting, it’s screaming.
All it’s ever wanted was to be the centre of someone’s universe. For someone to fall apart if it suddenly stopped beating. But that isn’t reality, and it hasn’t got the strength to keep wanting that anymore. It keeps waiting and hoping and fluttering, but all for nothing.
It’s given in and that alone is painful. Is a possible to love something too much? Or to love an idea too much? That idea is starting to tear it apart. So much so my heart wishes it never let the idea be felt in the first place.
I get caught up in things, get lost and carried away and then when an idea bursts it turns the glittering hopefullness into shards of glass. What once made the heart happy now makes it unbearably sad.
I need to stop living in a fairytale, give up and be patient. Although sometimes the waiting is even worse.
These are great, i’m thinking of doing something similar, but using quotes from tutors or overused phrases from tutors and putting them into a booklet. I need to get my website designed first, so I have somewhere to house all of my arty shit.
Kaleidoscopic funtimes with an app I’ve just dowloaded on my phone. It lets you create eye-popping, psychedelic patterns like this. Amazing. Now I’ve finished my degree I have time to waste on apps like this. I might litter my tumblr up with more of these while I doss about for a while. I plan to set up a website soon to house my artwork, it’s about time I did that.
Got a new toy to play with. Downloaded an app that lets me take action sampler style lomo photos. I’ll be having fun with this.
Presenting Contexts Writing: Pedagogy as a Medium.
‘Teacher’ and ‘Artist’ can be regarded as binary opposites. A teacher conjures up notions of structure, discipline and relaying facts and an artist personifies freedom and the perpetual questioning of facts. However, they aren’t as dissimilar as first thought; both construct situations in which questioning can happen, both create circumstances in which people can be an active part of an artwork or of learning and both personas are facilitators of creativity. This is why I believe education naturally feeds into art. When we see art we are educating ourselves on it; we intuitively like to play a role in what we learn and interrogate why we are learning it. Pedagogy as a medium doesn’t solely have to be about teaching, but also methods of learning; kinaesthetically, visually, textually or verbally. It is a teacher/an artists’ job to plug into those methods and nurture the creative potential of every human being.
Title: 'Re-introduction to Show & Listen Seminars/What is a Show & Listen?' Performance, 29th November 2011.
Photographs from live performance and documentation of responses
Another performance where I have appropriated the structure of a Show & Listen seminar. This work asks students to question the situation they find themselves in and also questions the purpose of the Show & Listen whilst it’s happening. The interrogation we experience as students is reflected back on to the institutionalized scenario we find ourselves in (the Show & Listen seminar).
Title: 'What is a “Show & Listen”?' performance, 21st November 2011
Photograph from live performance
For this performance I took on the role of a tutor and asked participants to question what a Show and Listen seminar is about. Generally, a Show and Listen seminar is where students are asked to display work and other students look at the work and try and figure out what it means, without the student who made it telling them what it means. Students collectively wrote down what they thought the purpose of this seminar was, and what they hoped to learn from it.
Title: 'Presenting Contexts Presentation' Performance, 8th November 2011
Photograph from live performance
A performance piece in which I did a presentation on ‘Pedagogy as a medium’. The performance was in the form of a ‘lesson’, in which I presented several artists that use performance lectures as a method of creating art.
(I am uploading documentation of all of the work I have produced this year, I have a lot of catching up to do on here)
Because falling’s not the problem
When I’m falling I’m in peace
It’s only when I hit the ground
It causes all the grief.
Lay me down
Let the only sound
Be the overflow
Pockets full of stones
A rather important year. I’m scared. Scared like a rabbit being chased by frothy-mouthed devil dogs with black eyes and razor sharp teeth.
So much is going to happen this year. This is the year I graduate; I have to get a 2:1 to do what I want to after this year, which is train to be an art teacher. Relating to that, this is the year where I find out which route of teacher training I’ll be taking. Whether it’ll be a Graduate Teacher Programme in Art and Design or a PGCE in Secondary Art and Design. I can’t help thinking that I’m more suited to GTP as I’m more hands on and I honestly can’t wait to work in a school and have a tutor set and do parents evening, but at the same time I think a PGCE would be more beneficial so I can learn the theory side of things and delve deeper into different methods of teaching and learning.
I have my degree show this year, and the pressure’s on to create something really good. I’m worried about doing a performance or a series of performances for my final piece. I can’t help thinking that although I’m pushing the boundaries of art I might push it so far that it can no longer be classed as art. Hopefully I’ll manage to rein it in and keep it on the art side.
And this place, this blog. I’m started to wonder what it’s for; is it for inspiration? Is it a place to vent? Is it a place for me to think; an extension of my mind that’s separate from my body. I don’t even know if people read this, I know I wouldn’t read it. I seem to be moaning a lot lately. I don’t mean to, maybe I should just keep quiet and smile more, maybe then things would worry me less.
But I want to smile more this year, I want to have fun. I want to stop getting so stressed and just chill out. I want to be healthier, fitter and more bouncier like I used to be when I was younger. Heh, ‘when I was younger…’, I’m only 22! I just feel so old, like I’ve matured beyond my age. I need some youth back.
This is a year for big changes. And maybe finding myself.
The only ones fully applicable are ‘I have nothing to say’, ‘I can’t carry on a conversation to save my life’ (which is very true when it comes to me, sometimes I have no idea what to say back, even if i’m interested in what someone is saying), ‘I’m socially awkward’ (which I am in an extreme way, I really don’t like being amongst a large crowd of people as I always feel incredibly lonely because I’m not very noticable), ‘I don’t know how to say what I’m thinking’ (which is the case in show and listen seminars, by the time I’ve figured out a way to word it someone else has said it), ‘my voice sounds weird’ (I have the most awful voice and I hate hearing it). Have to admit though, maybe 10% of the time it’s because I’m not really interested in what someone is saying, because I’ve heard it before or it’s all they ever talk about.
This week has made me realise how low my self esteem is. I really struggle to talk to people I don’t know very well, and I know that they think I’m being ignorant which is what gets to me the most. I’m not being ignorant, I just feel like I’m not good enough to talk to anyone.
I better get on with my work, but first I have to finish nomming my Double Decker.
I have the most awful tummy ache. I was up most of the night in the bathroom, doubling over in pain and whimpering. Poor Chris had to listen to that. He’s promised that once he gets home we can pop out and buy me some banana bread and chicken burgers; things to make me slightly better.
It’s that time of year when the thick socks come out and mugs of hot chocolate are made. I need a hot water bottle, the comfort of that would make my tummy feel a lot better at the moment.
Time to go, Chris is here :)
I feel a bit like this today - well I hope I don’t ‘look’ like that O_O but definitely not feeling on the ball.
My stomach is sore and will only let me consume chicken sandwiches and ready salted crisps, which is rubbish when I have Asda christmas cake in the kitchen, and cheesy nachos, and chris’s mars bar sat next to me.
Chris has kindly gifted me his cold, but it’s mutated into some sort of stomach-buggering disease. My immune system is shocking. I really should look after myself better. More cold and flu tablets for me, water and vitamins.
Even though I’m sick I’m still going to uni in the afternoon; i’ve put on a drop-in session for first years and really want to support them. After all i’m not dying, so as long as I can cope with a bus ride there and back home, and 2 hours in the first years studio then I should be alright. I’m that dedicated see. I don’t like letting people down.
I’ve neglected this blog - feel quite bad. I should use it more but Mass Effect keeps distracting me. Yes I’ve turned into one of those saddos who sits and plays roleplay games. Just Mass Effect mind, that and GTA games are what keeps me slightly sane.